Not matter how much firewater you poured down the hatch on New Year’s Eve, you must be starting to stabilize by now and be ready to continue on with regular life.
So, did regular life happen to include joining a gym to transform yourself into The Rock (or at least get more exercise than just getting up from your desk to go cut a deuce)?
Well, should that be the case there are some Primo Gym Scams out there we’re gonna get you wise to.
Some of these scams have been around forever – while some are new trends being shared among gym owners behind closed seminar doors.
Here they be:
- Activation fees – phone and cable companies used to charge these until one player in the industry noticed that you make MORE greenbacks when you don’t saddle new cuties with a BS charge. Gyms, however, tend to always be lagging.
- Card fee – gyms are trying to save money on labor costs by using automated gates. Some gym owners can’t stop there. They also feel a need to charge you (average) $20 for a cheap plastic card they imported from China is actually worth $0.002.
- Yearly maintenance fee – Are you a renter by any chance? OK, when was the last time your landlord charged you an extra 15% on top of your yearly rent? Seem kinda screwy? Yeah, we thought so.
- “No Contract” – Just because a gym says they don’t do contracts, doesn’t mean you won’t have paperwork to fill out.
After all, gyms require information to process your app – and that’s where some less-than-savory types will sneak in small extra small print (we’re talking 5 point font here) that will oblige you to give two months notice, even if you’re “not under contract”.
- The Stress Snag – Know what one of the leading reasons behind people quitting the gym is? Too busy. No, it’s not an excuse. The average urbanite works close to 50 hours a week and spends another 10 to 12 hours a week commuting.
Gyms (especially low-priced franchises like Planet Fitness) know this fact and will only allow for you to cancel your membership in person, which most people delay, because, hey – it’s only $10 a month, right?
Speaking of Gyms: Please Don’t Be “That One Guy”
If you’re new to the gym this season, you’re far from alone.
This is the biggest season for gyms.
Every dude and his dog wants to become the next Adorable Adrian Adonis come January.
Year in, year out, it’s the same story – memberships at gyms spike in January only to shrivel back to normal levels by February.
The (anti) fun is in what goes on inside that vacuum between the 1st of the year and the end of February.
This vaccuum makes life unbearable for gym-goers who use the facility year-round.
So if you’ve read through the gym scams, feel you can deal with them, here’s what tourists do that annoys the living shit out of regulars:
- Not cleaning up after yourself: C’mon! Ever extend your hand for a shake, only to come into contact with a gooey, wet palm? Multiply that by four when you sit on moist equipment.
- Nesting – Look, we know how cushy to the tushy that pec-flexor seat happens to be, but that’s no reason to sit there and for a round of right-swipes and updating your FB status to “shoulders day” while others need to get through their set. Don’t cause anyone any unnecessary waiting.
- Exposing everyone to your soundtrack – We get it, you’re the new Rocky. But your soundtrack should be nestled into your ear for your listening pleasure ONLY. Given that most gyms play music, no one wants to hear what Eye of the Tiger sounds like when mixed with Rihanna.
- The Day-Gamer – we’ll admit it…there are a lot of very beautiful, fit women to be found in a gym. But here’s the thing – like work, a lot of people aren’t at the gym because they want to be. They’re there out of necessity. By trying to mac on all the honeys at your club, you’re only going to poison the atmosphere and draw a lot of negative energy your way.
- No selfies – Jesus, what are you, like 12? We shouldn’t even have to explain this one. Sack up already.
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The Vegan Carnivore Emerges
If you love food, were planning to clean up your diet this year, and you’re into being an early adopter of cool new shite, 2018 just might be the year for you.
With even the biggest meat lover asserting that there’s indeed a correlation between the copious consumption of red meat and waning health, these two companies are offering those who cannot divorce themselves from the almighty burger the best of both worlds.
Now you can finally tell ’em that you can indeed have your meat-cake and eat it too.
But Can You Date A Vegan?
But you already know that.
The internet and shows like SATC sure have raised expectations among the lady-folk, and matching diets is most certainly one of those “wants” on the ‘ol checklist.
If you can supplement enough of your diet with synthetics, you may just qualify for the affections of a vegan, thereby increasing your dating market value by…well, enough to qualify for the opportunity to pay for a tasty slab of cardboard.
Selling On Amazon? Ric Flair Is The Least Of Your Worries
The good news: you decided to launch a business and selling on Amazon is that business.
The bad news: you’re selling on Amazon.
Anyone selling on Amazon will tell you that it’s a pretty sweet deal:
> There’s a ton of traffic, leading to some easy sales.
> Getting traction for new products is pretty easy compared to other means.
But there’s always a downside to every deal.
If you’re selling a product of your own, your Azon competitors can be pretty dirty players (the Ric Flairs); leaving nasty one-star reviews, reporting any slight violation on your part of Amazon’s TOS and all sort of other under-handed tactics.
As for sellers of third-party products, you’re at the mercy of a legion of idiots who will price themselves out of profitability to beat you without even realizing they’re hemorrhaging cash…
So selling your own product really is your only true option if you want to thrive on Amazon.
Better Ric Flair Than Brock Lesnar?
And now, there’s something else for you to curl up naked on the kitchen floor in the fetal position and lapse into a cold sweat sessions: Amazon is expanding it’s own private label brands.
It’s one thing to contend with a pesky gang of Ric Flairs, but if Amazon steps into the ring with a product like yours, you’re essentially facing down Brock Lesnar.
Amazon is not averse to pulling the carpet out from under its sellers.
Take the silicon mold “scandal”. An independent seller on Amazon came out with his own silicon muffin mold and did so well that he got to the first page of the Amazon Top 100 in the kitchen category.
A month later, Amazon was selling that exact same mold, unceremoniously tossing the seller aside and taking his place on the Top 100 (presumably with a sadistic chuckle).
Now that Amazon will have a full-on fleet of lines across multiple categories, you can count on many sellers dusting off their resumes and retrieving their lost LinkedIn passwords.
“Each generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it.”
- George Orwell